In relationships, we’re exquisitely aware of the line between feeling supported and feeling exploited. The boundary is even more sensitive when we feel vulnerable and ask for help. Each of us reacts differently when someone crosses the line. Sometimes we retreat, but if we continue to feel pushed beyond our tolerance, we find a way to say, “Stop!” The person who overstepped the line feels offended. We feel regret. No one feels good.

Even business relationships suffer when they cross a line. Bank managers are trained to assist when we ask for help yet they often exploit boundaries. They offer helpful guidance about opening and closing accounts, providing overdraft assistance, and security against fraud. Their advice is reassuring. The line appears when without warning, they invite sales colleagues like investment advisors and insurance partners into the conversation. It’s no surprise they have monetary incentives, but the change can bend the line from building relationship to killing relationship.

With relatives, friends, and colleagues, it’s more complex. Boundaries are the heart of these trusted relationships. We share tender confidences about ourselves with the expectation of caring consideration – yet each of us is sensitive to the line between interest, curiosity, and nosiness. Sometimes those close to us tangle the line by asking penetrating questions and offering intrusive comments. As they bend boundaries they blur the line between helping and hurting.

We trust our discomfort when someone crosses the line. Often we try to change the direction of the conversation in a gracious way. But we’re only able to do so for a while. When someone crosses the line and shows no sign of stopping, we reach a breaking point. Subtlety evaporates. Each of us in our own way, says, “Stop!” so there’s no mistaking the meaning. (For me, the words: “We’re done!” shoot out of my mouth.)

Even when we believe our reaction is warranted, we regret it. Relationships are precious. They take time to build and only moments to destroy.

The line is different for each of us and for each situation. Although it’s never a good feeling when someone crosses the line between collaboration and intrusion, forgiveness too is part of relationship.

It’s helpful to remember we’ve all been on both sides of the line – as offender and offended.

Line drawings: The Dot and The Line by Norton Juster.